It's time to tell you. It's obvious by the way you dress that you don't have anyone in your life to give you honest feedback. If one of the following descriptions fits you, you are an asshole. Seek help immediately and learn to quit being a selfish prick.
1. Talks on a cell phone while driving. Yeah, I know. You think you're the one person on the planet who can talk on the phone and drive at the same time. You're not. You're just an asshole. Handset or Bluetooth, doesn't matter. Asshole.
2. Takes cuts when lanes merge. Also, waits till the last second to get on the off ramp, or changes lanes and hits your brakes to make it into Circle K for your Red Bull fix. You think we don't notice, but we do. You see the lanes merging ahead, but speed up to the front of the lane that's merging to take cuts. You think you're so friggin' smart and you've figured out a way to beat the system. The rest of us see a toddler with a driver's license who will probably throw a temper tantrum if they don't get their way. By the way, your selfishness backs up traffic as people have to hit their brakes to let you in. You're either an idiot who doesn't know how to drive, or a raging tool that doesn't care if you hit your brakes and put all of our lives in danger.
3. Old fart running errands during rush hour. You have all day to run errands. It's not like you do anything else all day except wait to die. You think your driving skills are still up to snuff because you're too selfish or too senile to give up your driver's license. I saw one of you on the rush hour freeway the other day, going literally 20 miles an hour and screwing up the traffic behind you for miles. It was after 5:00. You already went out for dinner at 3:00 -- what is so friggin' important that it couldn't wait until you get up tomorrow at 4:00 am? Run your errands during the day, you selfish bastard. The rest of us still have lives.
4. Lost person who hits their brakes in the middle of traffic. Screw whoever is behind you! You missed your turn, or you went straight instead of going left. Instead of driving until it's safe and making a U-turn, your self importance causes you to hit your brakes until someone lets you into the correct lane. God forbid you should be inconvenienced by your own stupidity. It's up to everyone else to pay the price, at the risk of our lives I might add, by having to hit our brakes. You probably made us miss the green signal and have to sit through another red light, too. Your mother is a syphilitic whore.
5. Doesn't stop for an injured animal. So what if Lassie is dying in the road? You're late to Starbucks, damn it. The only driver worse than you is the guy who actually hit the dog and didn't stop. There's a family resemblance. Shame on you. 'Nuff said.
6. Drive crazy with kids in the car. See also, drives with kids and/or pets in the bed of the pickup. Willing to sacrifice your own children to the altar of your convenience, you run red lights or drive erratically with a car full of kids. You talk on the cell phone and don't have your kids in seat belts, or worse they're in the back of the truck where they can be hurled out of their own shoes if you get in an accident. Don't make those who depend on you suffer because you're from the shallow end of the gene pool. Give your kids and pets to someone who can care for them properly. When you're old enough to be responsible with them, you can have them back.
7. Can't resist the flashing lights. You back up cars for miles because, "Whooo-heee Uncle Jed, there's some of them there flashing lights!" Could be an accident, or could be a cop giving a ticket. You can't resist the possibility that you could obtain some entertainment value from another person's suffering, so you just have to slow down and look. Hey asshole, unless you can do something to help, keep moving.
8. Doesn't get out of the way of emergency vehicles. The universe has ways of paying these kinds of things back, you know. God thinks you're a prick. You already know that, though; you just don't care.
If this post has offended you in any way, I must have described you. Don't get mad at me, get mad at your friends and family that didn't tell you before this that you're an asshole. If they had been proactive, I wouldn't have had to stun you with self awareness for which you weren't prepared.
Not all of my posts will be this vitriolic, I just had to get this off of my (ample) chest.
Panting heavily,
The Alpha Bitch
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